Monday, February 11, 2008

Co-pilot or codependent?

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote Aaron an email message that declared my love for him, saying how much I want to be his partner, his lover, and his friend. I thought that I had expressed myself well, and I was quite pleased with myself.

Last week, it occurred to me that I have always believed that I am worthless unless I can do something for someone. I don't know why anyone would want me around unless I can do something useful. That pretty much defines a codependent personality.

That not a good thing.

How do you define the "forever after kind of love"? What makes for a good life partnership? The romantic ideal is to pair off with someone that you can depend on through thick and thin. How do you keep the relationship within the realm of healthy interdependence as opposed to dysfunctional codependence? I want to be with someone that I know will be there when I need him. But I don't want him to feel totally responsible for my well being. I can stand on my own two feet. At least, I like to think that I can. I mean, I'm 42 years old and never been married. That means that I am independent, right? The fact that no one has ever actually proposed marriage to me doesn't necessarily mean anything, right?

So, what did I really mean in that message to Aaron? Am I simply being insecure, or am I trying to rope him into a dysfunctional relationship? Do I want to be his equal partner in life, or do I want to make him completely dependent on me? Or worse yet, make him feel like I am totally dependent on him? Do I want to share his life, or smother it? Do I even know the difference?

2 comments:

Delmonti said...

Oh dear.... I dont think in our current environment ANY relationship is gonna last. It simply never does, not unless there's some kind of mental blackmail or violence going on. 2 Million years of social evolution cannot be changed in less than 100 years. Women no longer need a man to help provide for a family, while men will still shag anything they can get away with.

Now you've thrown yaself at Aaron, you'll simply be in his diary as "something for a rainy day"

Harsh, but true. Until you embrace this and understand it, you're gonna be angry and walked all over.

PS: I'm available for childrens parties

Eva J. Mah said...

LOL

I would have said the same thing 10 years ago. I got a new therapist and changed antidepressants. I'm not quite so angry and cynical now.

I don't want kids, so I don't need a provider. I need emotional support. A soft place to fall. A helping hand to get me back on my feet. Yeah, I know. That's a lot to ask of anyone.

PS: I'll keep you in mind for my bachelorette party.