Sunday, May 31, 2009

An Unmedicated State

I am medication free now. I made it through Effexor withdrawal. No more splitting headaches. No more sudden nausea. No more making myself seasick by turning my head too fast. I even survived a 49-hour cross country road trip without getting carsick. And I'm back to my constipated self.

But I cry at the drop of a hat. Some mornings, I wake up petrified. I don't want to open my eyes or crawl out from under the covers. For awhile I was afraid to go to sleep because I so dreaded that feeling of terror that I knew would overwhelm me as soon as I woke up. I don't want to see old friends because I can't explain all the dumb decisions I've made over the past 10 years. Everybody has gotten married, had kids, have great jobs. To hit them with what I've been up to would be cruel and unusual punishment. And meeting new people? Forget that. I am not worth getting to know.

Now I remember why I was started on medications 15 years ago. Depression has invaded my persona again. I need new coping skills.

5 comments:

Ailurophile said...

I know how hard it can be sometimes if you feel you are left behind compared to your peers. But try not to think too much about them, and focus more on yourself and try to be positive and proud of yourself.

Wishing you all the best.

Congrats on the Lemonade award.

Tomo Chan said...

dont dwell on the bad decisions you made. some of them may have brought good things to you or may bring one. focus on what you can do now or later. plan things ahead for the better.

stem cell said...

I think you need to realize that you are someone worth knowing. Hell, you are an MD. That is quite impressive. Hang in there and just take it one day at a time. you can do it!

Rae Macklyn said...

I'm now a year med-free...it is BEYOND tough, but I'm doing alright. How are things with you in this regard?

Eva J. Mah said...

Great to hear from you Rae. I need to visit your blog more often. I think about you and wonder how you are too. Congrats on the med-free year! Isn't it liberating?

I'm doing okay without meds. Moving out of the Northeast has helped. I think I have a component of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Either that or I just really, really, really hate Xmas. ;-)