An Unmedicated State

I am medication free now. I made it through Effexor withdrawal. No more splitting headaches. No more sudden nausea. No more making myself seasick by turning my head too fast. I even survived a 49-hour cross country road trip without getting carsick. And I'm back to my constipated self.

But I cry at the drop of a hat. Some mornings, I wake up petrified. I don't want to open my eyes or crawl out from under the covers. For awhile I was afraid to go to sleep because I so dreaded that feeling of terror that I knew would overwhelm me as soon as I woke up. I don't want to see old friends because I can't explain all the dumb decisions I've made over the past 10 years. Everybody has gotten married, had kids, have great jobs. To hit them with what I've been up to would be cruel and unusual punishment. And meeting new people? Forget that. I am not worth getting to know.

Now I remember why I was started on medications 15 years ago. Depression has invaded my persona again. I need new coping skills.

Lemonade Award

Thank you to The Chickenista for The Lemonade Award. I am flattered and flabbergasted.

As per the rules, I am passing on the award to:
Holy Mackerel
2 Write Hands
Healing... Through the Eyes of Autism
ChickLitGurrl :: high on LATTES and WRITING
Kat in New York
The Daily Blonde
Doggie Talk
psychopomposity.net
RGebbiePhoto - A creative journey in art
Storied Mind

Have a look for yourself. There's something in the list for everyone. Enjoy!

Too young to dye

I've complained before about how the only hair that seems to shed from my head are the dark ones, not the stray gray ones that have begun showing up. The gray ones I have to pluck myself. That bit of vanity I still have.

Well, today it finally happened. Ran my fingers through my hair this morning and out came a long white hair in my hand.

I swear that I am NOT going to grow old gracefully. But I'm only 43 years old. I'm too young to dye now.

My source

Recently I received an email from an old friend who told me that he admired my strength. I want to tell you where my strength comes from. People who know me personally will be surprised.

My father has held a strong influence in my life, but my strength comes from my mother.

My mother was born in China. In her late teens, she emigrated to the United States to be with her father. Her mother did not want to leave China, and never did. My mother never saw her mother again.

My parents met in Stockton, California. I don't think the courtship was very long. They married in Reno, Nevada in 1951. That somehow set a precedent I guess because there has never been a real church wedding in my family. Everybody married in Reno. Well, everybody in the family who ever got married.

Before my dad became a naturalized citizen of the United States, he was reported to INS as an illegal alien and had to go to Canada for a brief period, leaving my mom with two little girls to care for. She handled all the legal proceedings in the States, with English being her second language. My mother was never very comfortable speaking English. She always spoke in Chinese to me.

She got flak from her friends about sending me to medical school. Education is wasted on a daughter. And why can't Eva find a husband? She mentioned this to me only once, and it was in passing. She never gave me grief for chasing my dreams.

Thank you, Mommy, for being behind me, even though I couldn't see it. I will be home soon, and I will visit your grave. I love you.

This old dog is learning

I help take care of a beautiful dog named Raleigh. He is the cutest thing, and I love him to bits! He's a little quirky, but aren't we all?

The other day I let Raleigh out to do his thing. We went through the sliding glass doors out onto the deck leading to the back yard. As usual, I have to practically chase him off the deck to go do his business. He goes trotting off into the yard, then stops about 10 feet from me and turns around to see if I'm still standing there (he hates being left alone anywhere). For a split second, I want to run out there and go with him. But I stop myself. "You have to let go, Eva," I tell myself. "He won't learn to be independent if you keep coddling him."

Instead, I tell him, "Go on, Raleigh. I'll be right here waiting for you."

A dog is teaching me how to parent. Sigh.

6 random things about me

I've been tagged for a meme by ariadneK, Ph.D.

The rules of the “6 Random Things About Me Meme”:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself. (See below)
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them. (See further below…)
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

Is there anything that I write about myself here that is NOT random? Hmmmm.

6 Random Things About Me

1. I got orthodontic braces when I was 18. Really attractive to the college guys, let me tell ya.
2. Coffee calms me.
3. I have freckles on my left arm that, if connected, form a perfectly straight line between my wrist and elbow.
4. Barbie never lived in my toy box.
   
5. Meatloaf is my specialty.
6. Crochet is my crafting hobby of choice.

Now, I tag Sunny Suggs, Isabella Vreeken, Adonya Wong, Ash, 2WriteHands, and SistersTalk. Have fun!

Let live

I read negative comments about this blog last week. First time that has happened for me.

It should have cut me to the quick. It should have ripped my heart to shreds. But I didn't feel any such pain. My initial instinct was to ask why. Then I thought better of it.

I began blogging to share my experiences. I didn't want others who may be in similar situations to feel alone. Being in a public forum, people who read this blog are going to form opinions. They have a right to do so. I don't need to know why. Everyone has their own experiences to draw from. Not everyone, thank goodness, will go through life as I am right now.

I've always said, "Live and let live." Now I know that I actually mean it.

Friday, October 10 is National Depression Screening Day

This year, Friday October 10 will be National Depression Screening Day.

Fifteen years ago this month, the medical school that I was attending at the time was one of the screening sites for National Depression Screening Day. I went for kicks. I mean, I already knew that I was depressed for most of my life, so they weren't going to tell me anything that I didn't already know. They gave me a multiple-choice test; I sat down and took the test. Took maybe 15, 20 minutes tops to complete it. The test results were discussed with me right afterward, and it was strongly suggested that I seek professional advice. Okay, THAT part, I didn't know. Not long afterward, I saw a psychiatrist and was formally diagnosed with major depressive disorder.

Screening sites are located across the country. The cost is FREE. You may also choose to take the screening online.

If you are at all curious, please take an hour out of your busy schedule and get screened.